Category Archives: Funny

A Typical Conversation

Last night while watching NCIS: New Orleans: (probably not word for word)

He: Who is that?

Me: Oh, he played that weird guy on that weird show.

20+/- minutes later…

Me: What was the name of that show where they were at a research station at the North Pole the first season and on a tropical island the second season?

He: Helix

Me: That’s it. He was that weird guy on Helix.

And after looking it up on on my phone…

Me: He played Brother Michael.

Modern Men, Men’s Men, and Real Men

I found this NYT list of 27 Ways To Be a Modern Man on Mike Rowe’s Facebook page. Mike responds with ways to be a man’s man. Man’s man? Well, I suppose that’s what men like to see in other men? So obviously I disagree with many of his points.

You might think that, being a woman, I wouldn’t know anything about being a man. Well, maybe not everything but I think viewing manhood from the outside gives me a better perspective. I have no male ego to get in the way. And besides, I need blogfodder. So I am going to respond to each of the NYT’s 27 ways to be a “Modern Man” with my opinion on the matter. And yes, I realize that it’s all tongue-in-cheek. Do you?

1. When the modern man buys shoes for his spouse, he doesn’t have to ask her sister for the size. And he knows which brands run big or small.
I would rather pick out my own shoes. Unless it’s a pair that I’ve gushing over so he knows I want them, I don’t want him to buy shoes for me but, yeah, he should know my size. (but it’s not a big deal if he doesn’t) I wouldn’t expect him to know which brands run big or small. I don’t even know that for most brands.

2. The modern man never lets other people know when his confidence has sunk. He acts as if everything is going swimmingly until it is.
Hmmm… this sounds a lot like old-fashioned man or “real man” so apparently not much has changed. This actually seems like good advice for everyone.

3. The modern man is considerate. At the movie theater, he won’t munch down a mouthful of popcorn during a quiet moment. He waits for some ruckus.
Oh, if only everyone would be considerate! I don’t think the popcorn munching matters all that much since the sound in most movie theaters is ridiculously loud so we can hear over all the rude people talking.

4. The modern man doesn’t cut the fatty or charred bits off his fillet. Every bite of steak is a privilege, and it all goes down the hatch.
Oh good grief! You have to eat the gross bits to be a “modern man”? Is throwing up because it made you gag manly? No. Just no. Eat what you like. Leave what you don’t. It’s not in any way connected with either manliness or modernity.

5. The modern man won’t blow 10 minutes of his life looking for the best parking spot. He finds a reasonable one and puts his car between the lines.
Another rule that I wish everyone would follow. Quit driving around getting in everyone’s way and just park already!

6. Before the modern man heads off to bed, he makes sure his spouse’s phone and his kids’ electronic devices are charging for the night.
No! Everyone is responsible for their own devices. Especially the kids.

7. The modern man buys only regular colas, like Coke or Dr Pepper. If you walk into his house looking for a Mountain Dew, he’ll show you the door.
This is just silly. Again, what you drink is in no way connected to either manliness or modernity. Well, possibly to modernity but who the hell cares?

8. The modern man uses the proper names for things. For example, he’ll say “helicopter,” not “chopper” like some gauche simpleton.
I wish everyone would do this but it’s certainly not a modern thing. Modern men, women, and kids avoid extra syllables as if each one is a 20 pound weight they would have to carry around.

9. Having a daughter makes the modern man more of a complete person. He learns new stuff every day.
Eh, maybe. I know you certainly learn a lot from having kids.

10. The modern man makes sure the dishes on the rack have dried completely before putting them away.
What? The modern man doesn’t have a dishwasher?

11. The modern man has never “pinned” a tweet, and he never will.
This sounds more like an “old fart” than a “modern man”.

12. The modern man checks the status of his Irish Spring bar before jumping in for a wash. Too small, it gets swapped out.
Nah. Use it down to the last sliver. Most men I know would agree. Always do whatever you can to save every 10th of a cent. (Unless you’re buying power tools, then money is no object.)

13. The modern man listens to Wu-Tang at least once a week.
Wu who?

14. The modern man still jots down his grocery list on a piece of scratch paper. The market is no place for his face to be buried in the phone.
This is another one that seems more “old fart” than “modern man”.

15. The modern man has hardwood flooring. His children can detect his mood from the stamp of his Kenneth Cole oxfords.
I’m not sure what to say about this one. I don’t know what flooring or a brand of shoe has to do with manhood. I would assume that his wife picked out the flooring.

16. The modern man lies on the side of the bed closer to the door. If an intruder gets in, he will try to fight him off, so that his wife has a chance to get away.
Perhaps he’s been watching a lot of action movies?

17. Does the modern man have a melon baller? What do you think? How else would the cantaloupe, watermelon and honeydew he serves be so uniformly shaped?
Oh, are melon ballers a manly thing? Perhaps that’s why I don’t have one.

18. The modern man has thought seriously about buying a shoehorn.
Seems like kind of an old-fashioned thing but if you need one, sure, why not?

19. The modern man buys fresh flowers more to surprise his wife than to say he is sorry.
This is good. Personally, although I do like getting flowers, I would prefer living flowers, growing in a pot, or something else that will last more than a few days.

20. On occasion, the modern man is the little spoon. Some nights, when he is feeling down or vulnerable, he needs an emotional and physical shield.
Sure, why not?

21. The modern man doesn’t scold his daughter when she sneezes while eating an apple doughnut, even if the pieces fly everywhere.
But a good father reminds her to cover her nose and mouth when she sneezes.

22. The modern man still ambles half-naked down his driveway each morning to scoop up a crisp newspaper.
If you still get an old-fashioned dead tree newspaper delivered, when you go out to pick it up, please, for Heaven’s sake, at least put on a robe!

23. The modern man has all of Michael Mann’s films on Blu-ray (or whatever the highest quality thing is at the time).
Sure, if that’s what he likes. If not, he has someone else’s films on Blu-ray (or whatever)

24. The modern man doesn’t get hung up on his phone’s battery percentage. If it needs to run flat, so be it.
Nope. Keep that thing charged up.

25. The modern man has no use for a gun. He doesn’t own one, and he never will.
Oooo, this is a touchy one. I’m thinking this depend on what part of the country you’re in. Out here in Oklahoma the general opinion is that a “real man” owns several guns. But, in fact, if your manhood is dependent on a manufactured object, whether a gun, a power tool, or anything else, you’re really not much of a man.

26. The modern man cries. He cries often.
I’s okay for a man to cry, but often? No, not too often.

27. People aren’t sure if the modern man is a good dancer or not. That is, until the D.J. plays his jam and he goes out there and puts on a clinic.
It’s nice if a man can dance but it’s not a requirement.

UPDATE: Almost forgot to mention this. It seems odd to me that this list did not mention tool use. One of the most basic “man rules” is that a man must, at the very least, know how to operate the five essential tools: hammer, screwdriver, adjustable wrench, WD-40, and duct tape.

They’re Kidding, Right?

The National Hot Dog and Sausage Council says that there is one Proper Way to Eat a Hot Dog. I would like to believe this is tongue-in-cheek but I fear they are serious.

First of all, they tell us that we must use only “plain buns or those with poppy or sesame seeds”. I use whole wheat buns. Is that okay, Your High-and-Mightiness? I haven’t seen any sun dried tomato or basil buns but I would try them. Then they tell us the exact order in which the condiments must go on the hot dog. Sorry, I put the onions on first, then the chili. And I’m right; the Hot Dog Council is wrong. Putting the onions on first keeps them from falling off.

But they’re not done yet. They tell us what kind of dishes to use: paper plates or every day dishes. That makes sense and that’s exactly what I do but I’m wishing I actually had some fine china because I’m feeling rebellious right now and want to eat my hot dogs off of forbidden dishes.

I am a bit grossed out about this next part. They tell us that we should take no more than five bites to eat a hot dog, seven if it’s a foot-long. Seriously?! I just… I can’t even! I hardly know what to say about that. I suppose if you’re a really big guy and you normally take bigger bites than the average person just five bites might be acceptable but normally if I saw someone eating a hot dog like that I would think, “What a pig!” If you’re going to eat something that tasty and bad for you slow down and enjoy it.

Finally, there are notes on what to drink and what to do after the meal. You know… this is an example of one of the biggest things that is wrong with the world today: rules. Now personally, I like rules. We need rules. But we don’t need rules for everything and the fact that there are so many lists of rules for every aspect of our lives causes people to just give up and decide that it’s a good thing to break all the rules, even the good ones that we need. Want anarchy? Just start making rules for everything.

Thoughts and Catchphrases and Such

A few days ago on Facebook I suggested that people who are getting way too worked up about certain issues should “just go kiss some puppies”. That slightly odd phrase had just popped into my head somehow and I didn’t give it even a second’s thought. But later it occurred to me that it’s actually a pretty good silly catchphrase. You know what I mean? Chill out; get over it; get a grip; take a chill pill; get a hobby; go kiss some puppies.

I’d love to see it catch on but I know it won’t because I’m me, not a famous Hollywood script writer but I’m going to use it whenever it seems appropriate. It will be my catchphrase and the way the world is now I’m thinking there will be many opportunities to use it.

It also occurs to me that it might be a good “Thought for the Week,” a cute way of telling people to just let go of whatever’s bugging them or a suggestion for a quick stress buster: Go kiss some puppies.

(I need a nice, shareable image to go with that.)

Planet Fangirl

I think I might be a David Attenborough fangirl. Don’t worry, we’re a little less screamy than your typical fangirl.

“I’m First!” – “No, I’m First!”

The world’s first head transplant will be performed within the next 2 years. Or it has already been performed this past February. Oh, what to believe?! The answer, as always… Snopes. The “news” story at the second link is a hoax. No head transplants have been done yet. Darn. I kinda wanted to believe, especially since they said it was successful.

It seems Paul Horner is a name that has appeared in a number of unrelated hoaxes. My sympathy to any real Paul Horners there might be out there. You know there must be a few.

All-Natural Chemicals

I have nothing better to post this morning so let’s pick on the Food Babe. I saw this thing on Facebook, quoting her saying that she would not eat anything that an 8-year-old could not pronounce. So, I’m just wondering how many of these words the average 8-year-old can pronounce and whether or not Ms. Hari eats bananas. Or anything else. Well… she must eat something since she’s still alive.

Yes, It Is Time For New Eyeglasses

My bottle of Diet Dr. Pepper has an ad on the label for Avengers: Age of Ultron. When I first looked at it I could have sworn it said “Ass of Ultron”. After taking off my glasses, holding the bottle closer, and squinting and staring at it for a few seconds I was able to make out that the word is actually “Age”. It seems to me though, that Ass of Ultron has possibilities as a movie. “Age of” is so overused.

It just so happens that I did already have an eye Dr. appointment scheduled.

Oklahoma’s Seasons

We have more than just 4 seasons here in Oklahoma. I saw this on Facebook and it is absolutely correct.

The seasons in Oklahoma

Really COLD Winter
Tornado Season 1
Winter’s back!
Tornado Season 2
Really HOT Summer
Dear Lord, what did we do to deserve to burn?
Just kidding, still summer
Tornado season 3
Tornado Season 4

Mid-Week Music and Fun Break

My original intention was to look for something in a minor key to go with today’s weather. But then I saw this at Fillyjonk’s Progress and thought, of all the days to be appropriate this is not one of them. This is NOT one of my favorite tunes but it’s okay and it’s fun. Fun and sunshine, that’s what I need.

This ‘n’ That

I don’t know who created this but it is perfect for me right now.

But, you know… I don’t know why I feel that way because I really only have a few things going on and none of them are a really huge fat hairy deal and there’s nothing that’s, “OMG! Do this immediately!” but… I don’t know… there are just all these things that I need to be sure and not forget and little things I need to do soon(ish) and things I want to do but I’m putting off for no particular reason except that I want to do them but not right now but I still keep thinking about them anyway and it’s just more than I want to have to think about and yes, I know this is one stupidly long sentence but that’s what my brain is like right now so I’m going to leave it this way. Oh, and also… I’m getting really freaking tired of cold, gray weather.

But, moving on…

I had one of these when I was a little kid but not exactly like these of course. I can’t remember what it was. A dog maybe? Mine was just cheap plastic but it’s amazing how much fun such a simple little toy can be to a little kid. It was easy to understand how it worked but I found it kind of fascinating.

Aren’t these beautiful?! Ever since I saw this sad old hand-crank sewing machine I have sort of wanted one. I say “sort of” only because I don’t know where I would put it if I had it. I have nowhere to display it like it deserves to be and nowhere at all that it wouldn’t be in the way. If I were to find one in an antique shop for a really good price though, I might not be able to resist temptation. I don’t necessarily even want a fully restored one, just one that is somewhat functional and not in too bad a condition.

Sew Cranky is another hand-crank sewing machine site. I do love a clever website name. This one makes me smile. And even more.

I love these glass tables. Actually, the tables themselves are really not my style but I love what they do to the room.

And finally… Apology Notes. It would be really hard to stay mad at #12.

This could get old after a while

My grandmother had a green parakeet (budgie) when I was little. His hatching date was within a few months of my birthday. He died when we were 8 years old. He could say a few words but nothing like this little guy.


I am a somewhat “matchy-matchy” person. (though I hate that term, “matchy-matchy”. It makes it sound like a bad thing.) It’s not about how other people see me. Even when I’m at home, with no one else here to see me, wearing sloppy sweat pants and a ragged t-shirt and fuzzy house socks (my standard wintertime attire) it all has to be color coordinated. (I have relaxed a bit about the socks in the past year.)

Yesterday morning I needed two grocery items and decided to go to the Dollar General five miles away instead of to one of the grocery stores in town 12 miles away. I had on a black and white paisley dress. I had been wearing my single strap Birkenstocks around the house but I don’t like to drive in sandals. Normally I would have worn black shoes with this dress (since it’s after Labor Day so obviously I can’t wear white shoes) but I thought, “If I wear the black shoes I’ll have to transfer everything in my purse to my black purse and I’m only going to Dollar General.” So I wore brown shoes with my black and white dress. I felt uncomfortable about it but I did it.

At Dollar General, as I was in my car about to back out, I noticed a woman walking across the parking lot. She was wearing denim shorts and a loose red t-shirt. She appeared to be in her 60’s. Overall, she was heavy but not grossly huge. But she had boobies the size of basketballs and they were on the loose, swinging free and lively, swinging and bouncing in a disgustingly mesmerizing dance, back and forth, up and down, across her chest. And I thought, “And I was worried about wearing the wrong color shoes? I really need to get some perspective.” But denim shorts and a red t-shirt… those definitely go together. I’ll have to give her that.


I keep getting spam comments from someone or something using the name ShoogeStulfef. I swear if I ever write a fantasy novel I’m going to name a character Shooge Stulfef. I haven’t decided what sort of character he will be. Certainly male, probably large and disheveled, and not necessarily human. Thoughts?

The Real Answers

For some reason – I can’t figure out why – online quizzes are fun, even though the multiple choice questions rarely give me a choice that is anything close to what my real answer would be. So, just for fun, I’m going to give my real answers to a quiz. I’m thinking I might make this a regular or semi-regular “feature”. Or I might not. You know how that goes.

This morning’s quiz is What City Should You Live In? Oh, what fun! I already know the answer to that one but let’s go.

What is the background for your ideal walk? – Woodland trails, preferably with a few hills.

Which of the following seasons do you prefer? – Summer. (Strangely, the quiz left this season out of their choices.)

Which of the following means of transport suits you the most? – Ford F150. Or whatever brand of pickup we end up with next. It’s almost time.

What kind of music describes you? – Bach

Where do you like to eat? – At home. Or at someone else’s home. Or at a nice family restaurant. I don’t care, I like variety.

What is the main quality of every town? – I can’t pick just one. I like multiple good qualities.

What kind of tourist attractions do you prefer? – Museums

Which of these hobbies could be yours? – Okay, I have to admit, shopping is a good answer or I could have picked painting if I had any talent for that sort of thing. My real hobbies: sewing, reading, and spending too much time on the Internet.

What do you like to read? – Science fiction, historical novels, and classics, but if I have to pick just one… science fiction.

What is your ideal party? – A back yard barbeque with lots of relatives.

And, my real answer to “What City Should You Live In?” – You should not live in any city. You should live far out in the country on several wooded acres but near enough to a medium-large city to drive to it once in a while.

Spam of the Day

Your goal is to breed all the different dragons available to you

Well, actually, there aren’t any dragons available to me but I like the sentiment. Maybe it’s meant metaphorically. Yeah that has to be it. I must try to figure out what it means. What a way to start the day. If I got a few more like this I might almost look forward to spam.