Category Archives: Funny

Name

I keep getting spam comments from someone or something using the name ShoogeStulfef. I swear if I ever write a fantasy novel I’m going to name a character Shooge Stulfef. I haven’t decided what sort of character he will be. Certainly male, probably large and disheveled, and not necessarily human. Thoughts?

The Real Answers

For some reason – I can’t figure out why – online quizzes are fun, even though the multiple choice questions rarely give me a choice that is anything close to what my real answer would be. So, just for fun, I’m going to give my real answers to a quiz. I’m thinking I might make this a regular or semi-regular “feature”. Or I might not. You know how that goes.

This morning’s quiz is What City Should You Live In? Oh, what fun! I already know the answer to that one but let’s go.

What is the background for your ideal walk? – Woodland trails, preferably with a few hills.

Which of the following seasons do you prefer? – Summer. (Strangely, the quiz left this season out of their choices.)

Which of the following means of transport suits you the most? – Ford F150. Or whatever brand of pickup we end up with next. It’s almost time.

What kind of music describes you? – Bach

Where do you like to eat? – At home. Or at someone else’s home. Or at a nice family restaurant. I don’t care, I like variety.

What is the main quality of every town? – I can’t pick just one. I like multiple good qualities.

What kind of tourist attractions do you prefer? – Museums

Which of these hobbies could be yours? – Okay, I have to admit, shopping is a good answer or I could have picked painting if I had any talent for that sort of thing. My real hobbies: sewing, reading, and spending too much time on the Internet.

What do you like to read? – Science fiction, historical novels, and classics, but if I have to pick just one… science fiction.

What is your ideal party? – A back yard barbeque with lots of relatives.

And, my real answer to “What City Should You Live In?” – You should not live in any city. You should live far out in the country on several wooded acres but near enough to a medium-large city to drive to it once in a while.

Spam of the Day

Your goal is to breed all the different dragons available to you

Well, actually, there aren’t any dragons available to me but I like the sentiment. Maybe it’s meant metaphorically. Yeah that has to be it. I must try to figure out what it means. What a way to start the day. If I got a few more like this I might almost look forward to spam.

Spam of the Week

I just had to save this for posterity before I delete it. My favorite recent spam comment, in its entirety. Sometimes spammers can be so unintentionally poetic.

You could definitely see your skills within the paintings you write. The arena hopes for even more passionate writers like you who are not afraid to say how they believe. Always follow your heart. “Until you walk a mile in another man’s moccasins you can’t imagine the smell.” by Robert Byrne.

Weather Instinct

First of all, to all you dog people out there who insist that dogs are smarter than cats I must say, okay fine. Whatever. I don’t care. Teddy bears are also a lot less intelligent than dogs but they’re more cuddly and a lot less work. So now that we’ve got that out of the way…

Even for a species not known for their intelligence, my cat Dax (named after a Star Trek character) is mentally challenged. Okay, seriously? She’s a freaking moron. Whenever she hears thunder she doesn’t hide under the couch like a normal cat; she begs to go outside to escape. That’s right, outside where the thunder is. So, about 2:30 this morning we heard a few rumblings, nothing serious, and the great brainless wonder starts screaming, and by “screaming” I mean making a really weird, really LOUD, alien horror movie type terrified cat sound.

So that we, and the people in the next county, could get back to sleep I had no choice but to get up and let her out. I confess I was sort of hoping the thunder would suddenly get closer and much louder after I closed the door but it stopped and we heard nothing for the rest of the night.

That’s Different

I have had a couple of spam comments apparently trying to sell chicken coops. I wonder if that’s code for something. Chicken coops are not an unusual item but you don’t often see chicken coop spam. I sort of like the trend though. I wonder what’s next. Discount horse shoeing? Milking machines? A super secret, the-government-doesn’t-want-you-to-know, fuel additive to make your tractor run more efficiently?

Two Unrelated Videos That YouTube Thought Were Related

I was going to embed this video, Worst Words in the English Language, but the embed code wouldn’t ever load. Then I noticed an even better video in the “related” column, If The Art World Had to Deal With YouTube Comments but the code for that one won’t load either. So it wasn’t just that one video.

Regarding the “worst words” video: My post title was going to be “Well, When You Say It Like That.” Most of those words never bothered me at all but the video makes them sound really “EEEWWWWWW”.

Regarding the art video: So true, but I kind of had to agree with the first two comments about Jackson Pollack.

Stairway To…?

It’s a stairway to another dimension. It must be.

Actually, looking closely at the bricks, it looks like there might have once been another door there. Now, how to explain those other four doors?

From There I Fixed It

What Time Is Three O’ Clock?

This is why I can’t work in retail. I just don’t have the strength of character to not tell an incredibly stupid person that they are being incredibly stupid. Well, actually, I do but having to do it on a regular basis, day after day, is way too stressful and turns me into an unhappy, not very nice person.

In all fairness though – 1. Not everyone who does or says something dumb in public is really that dumb. They might just be having a relatively rare “senior” or “dumb blond” moment which they will be intensely embarrassed about later. 2. #20 might actually be possible in the near future and even if it never is, how is the average, non-geeky person supposed to know in a world where everything has a computer and we’re constantly being warned about viruses?

I really feel, difficult as it is, that we should be patient with stupid people because if they really are that stupid they can’t help it, right? You can’t expect a stupid person to be smart any more than you can expect a person with a limp to walk faster. But the angry and mean people – the #3′s and the #13′s – deserve no mercy. Not everyone can be smart but everyone can be nice, even if it is really really hard sometimes.

In the Moment

See, there’s a problem with living in the moment. One moment you’re enjoying a cookie and then sometime later you have another moment in which you discover that you can no longer fasten your favorite jeans.

Protect the Children!

This is a top contender for the title of Silliest Warning Label Ever. This is the back of a card of 7/8 inch Dill brand buttons.

“Not a toy. Not intended for use by children under 14.” Seriously? I mean… Seriously?! I sort of get the “This is not a toy,” part. I can see some mentally challenged, trailer trash type of mom thinking, “Oh, these pretty buttons would be a fun toy for my 2-year old.” (I’m not sure such a person would bother to read the label anyway but whatever.) But the “under 14″ part is what I don’t get. The first time I sewed on a button I was 7 years old. Seven. Perhaps seven is a bit early but if a child reaches the age of 14 without ever having sewn on a button… well, bless her (or his) little heart.

I also played with buttons from my grandmother’s button jar when I was only five. It’s a miracle I survived childhood.

Classical Music Effects

For the record, I don’t believe in The Mozart Effect and even if it’s true, I think trying to convince people to listen to classical music for some beneficial effect is wrong and detrimental. So I found this hilarious:

LISZT EFFECT: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important.

BRUCKNER EFFECT: Child speaks v-e-r-y slowly and repeats himself frequently and at length. Gains reputation for profundity.

WAGNER EFFECT: Child becomes a egocentric megalomaniac. May eventually marry his sister.

MAHLER EFFECT: Child continually screams–at great length and volume–that he’s dying.

SCHOENBERG EFFECT: Child never repeats a word until he’s used all the other words in his vocabulary. Sometimes talks backwards. Eventually, people stop listening to him. Child blames them for their inability to understand him.

There are several more, and don’t miss the comments because there are even more.

Note: I first saw some of these on Facebook then Googled it to find more.

A Difficult Notion

I should not laugh at this sort of thing because I could be there myself in a few years but, you must know by now that I’m easily amused. I was at Walmart a little while ago. There was an elderly lady looking for something in the sewing notions aisle. She said to another customer that she was having trouble finding rubber bands. This other lady said she thought they were in the stationary department. She didn’t sound very positive though so I said that I was pretty sure they are in stationary and added, “with the office supplies,” hoping that would click somehow.

The elderly lady just kept looking in the same place and a minute later asked a Walmart employee where the rubber bands were. She told her that they are in the stationary department and described exactly where they are located. So that’s three people who have told her that the rubber bands are in the stationary department but does she finally head for that department? Of course not. She starts describing the kind of package the rubber bands come in, as if we all must have misunderstood what she is looking for.

Somehow the poor dear had become stuck on the idea that rubber bands must be in sewing notions and simply could not wrap her brain around the concept of them being in stationary. I didn’t hang around to see how this little drama turned out. I do hope she eventually found what she was looking for but I am a bit curious as to the total number of people she had to ask.

And Speaking of Puns…

Considering the weather we’ve been having lately, it occurs to me that perhaps Oklahoma took the title of this post literally. In the future I must remember to be careful with my use of colloquial expressions. I didn’t realize that I had such power.

At least today is supposed to be nice. But tomorrow, not so nice. What can I say? Be cool? (cool, not cold)

So Bad They’re Good

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

* * *

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

* * *

It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.

* * *

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.

* * *

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

* * *

What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.

* * *

How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.

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