Category Archives: Funny

What Time Is Three O’ Clock?

This is why I can’t work in retail. I just don’t have the strength of character to not tell an incredibly stupid person that they are being incredibly stupid. Well, actually, I do but having to do it on a regular basis, day after day, is way too stressful and turns me into an unhappy, not very nice person.

In all fairness though – 1. Not everyone who does or says something dumb in public is really that dumb. They might just be having a relatively rare “senior” or “dumb blond” moment which they will be intensely embarrassed about later. 2. #20 might actually be possible in the near future and even if it never is, how is the average, non-geeky person supposed to know in a world where everything has a computer and we’re constantly being warned about viruses?

I really feel, difficult as it is, that we should be patient with stupid people because if they really are that stupid they can’t help it, right? You can’t expect a stupid person to be smart any more than you can expect a person with a limp to walk faster. But the angry and mean people – the #3′s and the #13′s – deserve no mercy. Not everyone can be smart but everyone can be nice, even if it is really really hard sometimes.

Protect the Children!

This is a top contender for the title of Silliest Warning Label Ever. This is the back of a card of 7/8 inch Dill brand buttons.

“Not a toy. Not intended for use by children under 14.” Seriously? I mean… Seriously?! I sort of get the “This is not a toy,” part. I can see some mentally challenged, trailer trash type of mom thinking, “Oh, these pretty buttons would be a fun toy for my 2-year old.” (I’m not sure such a person would bother to read the label anyway but whatever.) But the “under 14″ part is what I don’t get. The first time I sewed on a button I was 7 years old. Seven. Perhaps seven is a bit early but if a child reaches the age of 14 without ever having sewn on a button… well, bless her (or his) little heart.

I also played with buttons from my grandmother’s button jar when I was only five. It’s a miracle I survived childhood.

Classical Music Effects

For the record, I don’t believe in The Mozart Effect and even if it’s true, I think trying to convince people to listen to classical music for some beneficial effect is wrong and detrimental. So I found this hilarious:

LISZT EFFECT: Child speaks rapidly and extravagantly, but never really says anything important.

BRUCKNER EFFECT: Child speaks v-e-r-y slowly and repeats himself frequently and at length. Gains reputation for profundity.

WAGNER EFFECT: Child becomes a egocentric megalomaniac. May eventually marry his sister.

MAHLER EFFECT: Child continually screams–at great length and volume–that he’s dying.

SCHOENBERG EFFECT: Child never repeats a word until he’s used all the other words in his vocabulary. Sometimes talks backwards. Eventually, people stop listening to him. Child blames them for their inability to understand him.

There are several more, and don’t miss the comments because there are even more.

Note: I first saw some of these on Facebook then Googled it to find more.

A Difficult Notion

I should not laugh at this sort of thing because I could be there myself in a few years but, you must know by now that I’m easily amused. I was at Walmart a little while ago. There was an elderly lady looking for something in the sewing notions aisle. She said to another customer that she was having trouble finding rubber bands. This other lady said she thought they were in the stationary department. She didn’t sound very positive though so I said that I was pretty sure they are in stationary and added, “with the office supplies,” hoping that would click somehow.

The elderly lady just kept looking in the same place and a minute later asked a Walmart employee where the rubber bands were. She told her that they are in the stationary department and described exactly where they are located. So that’s three people who have told her that the rubber bands are in the stationary department but does she finally head for that department? Of course not. She starts describing the kind of package the rubber bands come in, as if we all must have misunderstood what she is looking for.

Somehow the poor dear had become stuck on the idea that rubber bands must be in sewing notions and simply could not wrap her brain around the concept of them being in stationary. I didn’t hang around to see how this little drama turned out. I do hope she eventually found what she was looking for but I am a bit curious as to the total number of people she had to ask.

And Speaking of Puns…

Considering the weather we’ve been having lately, it occurs to me that perhaps Oklahoma took the title of this post literally. In the future I must remember to be careful with my use of colloquial expressions. I didn’t realize that I had such power.

At least today is supposed to be nice. But tomorrow, not so nice. What can I say? Be cool? (cool, not cold)

So Bad They’re Good

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

* * *

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

* * *

It’s not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn’t have the balls to do it.

* * *

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.

* * *

There was a prison break and I saw a midget climb up the fence. As he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

* * *

What time is it when you have to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurtie.

* * *

How did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank his coffee before it was cool.

* * *

Save the Doorknobs!

Vancouver has banned doorknobs. What the…? What? Apparently they’re more difficult for elderly and arthritic persons to open. I should be more sympathetic I guess but I really hope this idea doesn’t take off in the U.S. Every time I see one of those lever-style door handles I think, “I bet my cat could open that.” In fact my cat sometimes reaches for the doorknob. I actually sort of doubt he could successfully perform the entire pulling the lever and opening the door operation, but I’m pretty sure there are some dogs that could. I don’t know… I suppose some people might want their dogs to be able to open doors but I like having a little control. The ability to open doors is the one power I have over my cats.

Of course the real issue is that the levers look too modern no matter how antique-brassy they are and it’s nobody’s business what kind of hardware I have on my doors.

Fame and Trolls and Cheap Entertainment

A funny thing happened on Facebook the other day. Charles was bragging about his latest Instalanche so of course I posted my customary pseudo-hurt comment about how on September 11, 2002 Glenn Reynolds linked to a quote from The Lord of the Rings that I posted, completely missing the essay into which I had poured my heart and soul. Later I noticed that someone had “Liked” my comment so I rolled over to see if it was anyone I know and it was Glenn Reynolds! Wow, really? But I bet he gets that all the time.

Honestly, I don’t really care that much anymore. I started blogging with hopes of being Somebody in the blogging world – feeble hopes even then but, nevertheless, real hopes. But now I’m satisfied being in my own little universe. I can’t do politics because I don’t fit neatly into the Left-Right dichotomy so most people try to fit me into “the other side”, whichever side that happens to be for them. Some current events I would comment on but I never have anything particularly insightful to say. How many ways are there to say that a horrible disaster was a horrible disaster? And pop culture? Please. For the most part, I just really don’t want to know.

So, I’m not envious of Glenn Reynolds or the other A-list bloggers and I don’t crave their attention. (Okay, maybe I do, just a little bit) The bloggers I envy are those who get 15 to 25 comments on almost every post – little people like me but not as boring as me. But I do appreciate the few comments I do get and try to remind myself to be thankful for those and that quality is better than quantity.

As I always say, one of the main benefits of obscurity is that I get very few trolls but I’m not entirely troll-free and when they do show up they tend to be rather entertaining which makes me feel that one troll every few years or even every few months is not entirely a bad thing. This was my week to get a troll.

A few weeks ago I wrote this post about Science Fiction Art in which I linked to the photostream of Daniel Rocal and complained that his pictures were not embeddable. Well, apparently I was mistaken. You understand what that word “mistaken” means don’t you? Well, apparently Mr. Rocal has never heard of it. I suppose there must have been some technical difficulty at the time because when I clicked on the Sharing icon nothing happened. Naturally, I assumed that sharing had been “turned off”. Well, it seems I was wrong.

I received a comment from Mr. Rocal (on my Comments Policy page since comments on older posts are turned off) accusing me of being a liar. He goes on to lecture me about Creative Commons licenses and respecting the terms of those and then demands an apology. I thought about responding with one of my favorite quotes, “Never attribute to malice that which can be adequately explained by stupidity,” (can’t remember who said that) but then I immediately realized that if Mr. Rocal was smart enough to understand what that quote means he wouldn’t have posted his trollish comment in the first place. Of course it’s possible that Mr. Rocal is a liar as well as a troll but, lacking other evidence, I will stick with the stupidity theory.

Finally, to wrap things up, I do not apologize to trolls nor do I approve their comments.

Easily Amused

This morning my spam comments contained one with “True Religion Sales” for the name. I know True Religion is the brand name of something. Jeans? (Laugh if you want but I don’t keep up with such things.) But my mind immediately went elsewhere – like they’re selling the true religion. Okay, so it wasn’t that funny. That’s why the title of this post is “Easily Amused.” (Ha! The title is easily amused. Sorry. Perhaps I need more caffeine. Or breakfast.)

Rainy Day Cats

It’s like magic. Cats become the best behaved creatures on cool rainy days.

Cats napping

Actually, Three (on the right) is always well-behaved. Dax (named after a character on Star Trek:DS9) usually can’t be still in the house. All she wants to do is either eat or sit on my lap and if she can’t do either she walks around the house, occasionally making a bone-chilling yowling noise. But on cold and/or rainy days she becomes a normal cat.

This Should Be a Real Thing

I’ve been getting a lot of spam comments that are almost all question marks. Long comments with just strings of question marks. I assume that they are standing in for some alien alphabet but most of them also contain just a few isolated words of English. One I deleted this morning had the word “baconista”. That’s a useful word. Any obsession sounds more sophisticated and reasonable when you add “ista” to it.

Color Names

Charles linked to this list of Bizarre Interior Paint Color Names. I don’t think most of these are bizarre at all. I like imaginative color names. “Mayonnaise” strikes me as a little icky. Not that mayonnaise is icky but naming a paint color that brings up the mental image of smearing actual mayo on one’s walls.

But I quite like some of the names on the list. Spirit Whisper – I’m not sure the color really goes with the name but then, I’m not sure what color Spirit Whisper should be. Phantom Mist – lovely, evocative name and the color seems about right for it. I probably wouldn’t paint my walls that color though. I like Obstinate Orange – the name that is. I like the color but I think it might be a bit much to put on the wall. Lavender Secret – one of my favorite names on the list but the color is kind of blah. Cheerful Whisper is a nice name but the color doesn’t look cheerful at all.

Now if you want to talk about weird color names you gotta look at nail polish. And there are lists galore:

The 25 Most Depressing Nail Polish Color Names
Unfeminist Color Names
Hilarious Nail Polish Colors

And there’s much more. There is a list of “Raunchiest Nail Polish Color Names” that I refuse to link to. I’ve never seen any of those in local stores. I think they might be illegal in Oklahoma. (Joking. I think) There’s even a blog: Stupid Nail Polish Names

I had to look and see what I have in my collection. I don’t pay a lot of attention to the names. Maybe I should so I don’t buy something embarrassing. Most seem pretty tame. I have colors like Fire Opal, Copper Glamor, White Diamond, and Virtual Violet. One of the more imaginative ones is Poetic, a bright pink. The weirdest I have are Solid Rock, weird mainly because it’s a very delicate pale pink which does not make me think of rock of any kind, and Feelin’ Hot, a peach frost, not a “hot” color at all. Oh, and there’s Pumping Iron, a silver metallic. I actually don’t paint my nails all that often I would love to keep them painted all the time but I hate waiting around for polish to dry.

Bad Brand Names (and Good Ones)

Do some company or product names make you cringe? Other than Kum ‘n’ Go, I can’t think of any. There’s a fun discussion in the comments over there but I guess my mind works different from most people’s because most of the associations never occur to me. I tend to be bothered by deliberately misspelled brand names. SyFy did make me cringe at first. I sort of got used to it but I still say “siffy” when I see it.

I get a kick out of clever names. Possibly my favorite ever: a hair salon named Curl Up and Dye. There’s also one called Twisted Scissors, which I think is kinda cute. In the tiny Oklahoma town of Foyil there’s the Tin Foyil Cafe. It’s covered in that wavy sheet metal that people refer to as “tin”.

First seen here, though I likely would have got around to it anyway since Fritinancy is on my list.

It’s Okay, They’re Designer Pants

I don’t know how things were at your high school but at mine one of the top social sins was to wear jeans an inch too short. Jeans were supposed to almost touch the ground and if they were long enough that you walked on them that was okay too. Pants that were even a little bit too short were “high water pants” and if you wore them you were sure to be asked, “Are you waiting for a flood?” several dozen times that day.

Now, apparently, too short pants have become okay. Well, at least they are okay if they cost over $900. Maybe it’s just part of the Rise of the Nerds.

Thanks.

A Profound Question?

I hate spam but it exists so one might as well allow oneself to be entertained by it when possible. I love when it’s almost poetic. Or sort of pseudo-profound.

… but how do you feel in case you couldn’t have a job determined by what Wikipedia affirms about anyone?

Hmmmm… I wonder what kind of job that would be.