Category Archives: Funny

This ‘n’ That

Pardon my language but some people just really suck I mean What! The! Hell!? As I said in the comments over there, I have a strangely powerful desire to somehow get revenge on her behalf.

Speaking of things sucking, it is cold and gloomy and raining today, same as yesterday. Yesterday it didn’t even make it up to 60°F. Usually by this time in May a few people are starting to complain about the heat. It’s good that we’re getting rain. I don’t mind the rain (very much) but couldn’t it be at least 75° while it’s raining? I guess we had our May weather back in February so now we’re having February weather in May but right now I feel like we’ve had four whole months of February and I’m tired of it.

We have planted tomatoes. I think they’re safe from frost (you never know, as weird as the weather has been) but I’m pretty sure Mother Nature is overwatering them.

Carmel-by-the-Sea Municipal Code Chapter 8:44: “The wearing of shoes with heels which measure more than two inches in height and less than one square inch of bearing surface upon the public streets and sidewalks of the City is prohibited, without the wearer’s first obtaining a permit for the wearing of such shoes.” It’s a liability thing. Many of the streets and sidewalks are uneven, making high, narrow heels unsafe, and that’s considered part of the charm of the place. Apparently, it’s not enforced; just don’t try to sue the city if you fall and break your ankle because you were wearing stiletto heels. Personally, I think if you fall and break your ankle because you were stupid enough to be walking around in stiletto heels it’s your own fault no matter where you are.

That’s all I’ve got today. Here’s a cute cat and dog video.

This ‘n’ That

The sun came out yesterday! Looks like we should have three or four nice days before it starts raining again. Honestly, we need the rain and sometimes I even enjoy it but after three straight days of rain and not seeing the sun at all for even longer I get a little tired of it.

So, it looks like this will be the last season of Castle as we know it. If they’re going to write out Beckett and Lanie I wish they would just go ahead and end the series. I would like to say that I will not watch it without these two characters but I can’t make a firm commitment to not watching. Curiosity sometimes kills my intentions. Nathan Fillion hasn’t signed his contract yet so season 9 isn’t a certainty. On the last episode there was a huge opening for Castle and Beckett to literally ride off into the sunset together. I hope that’s what happens. It’s been a good eight seasons. Don’t spoil it, ABC. End it well.

Hmmm… sorry, that’s all I’ve got right now; here’s a cat video.

Why Starbucks Spells Your Name Wrong

I have never been in a Starbucks. Frankly, I feel a little intimidated by them and the whole fancy coffee culture. I’m afraid I would sound like an idiot trying to order and everyone would know that I’m a newbie and the barista would get annoyed at having to wait on someone who is soooo stupid. But anyway, I’m kind of wondering how they would mess up my name. It’s pretty simple right? It would be tempting to give them a really complicated, exotic, or totally made up name to mess with them. (Warning: F-bomb alert)

Lazy

I don’t have anything to say this morning. Well, I probably do; there’s a lot going on in the world but it’s just not coming to me right now. So, for now, here’s another short cat video.

Where’d He Go?

I love cats. They are so funny and curious. I first saw this as a GIF on Facebook. It’s very short, less than half a minute, but I think it might be my favorite cat video ever.

It’s Catalog Season

I love catalogs. I always get a lot of them but starting in October or November, not surprisingly, I start getting really massive numbers of catalogs. I still don’t mind; I just wish several companies would stop sending me the same catalogs almost every day. Come on people, one a week is more than enough.

In addition to old favorites, every year I get a few catalogs from stores that are new to me and that’s great. Sometimes we discover new favorites that way. For example, two or three years ago, out of the blue, we received a Garrett Wade catalog and they’ve been costing us occasional semi-large amounts of money ever since. Sometimes I get a catalog that makes me wonder how the heck I got on that mailing list, like the industrial shelving and storage catalog I got earlier this year, but even those are usually fun.

But in the last month or so I’ve been getting some fairly high end clothing catalogs and I would just like to ask someone, “What is there in all of my ordering history that makes you people think I would spend $90 for a pair of sweatpants?” Or $200 for a shirt? That actually sort of makes more sense than $90 sweat pants but if I wanted a $200 Egyptian cotton ladies shirt I would make myself one for $30.

One high priced catalog I’ve been getting for many years is Hammacher Schlemmer. It’s really fun. I look through it and keep saying “Really?” Really?! They do actually have a few things that are tempting and not ridiculously expensive. I’ve never ordered anything from them but who knows. Maybe someday. Keep sending all your catalogs full of ridiculously expensive stuff. You never know when I might win the lottery.

A Typical Conversation

Last night while watching NCIS: New Orleans: (probably not word for word)

He: Who is that?

Me: Oh, he played that weird guy on that weird show.

20+/- minutes later…

Me: What was the name of that show where they were at a research station at the North Pole the first season and on a tropical island the second season?

He: Helix

Me: That’s it. He was that weird guy on Helix.

And after looking it up on IMDB.com on my phone…

Me: He played Brother Michael.

Modern Men, Men’s Men, and Real Men

I found this NYT list of 27 Ways To Be a Modern Man on Mike Rowe’s Facebook page. Mike responds with ways to be a man’s man. Man’s man? Well, I suppose that’s what men like to see in other men? So obviously I disagree with many of his points.

You might think that, being a woman, I wouldn’t know anything about being a man. Well, maybe not everything but I think viewing manhood from the outside gives me a better perspective. I have no male ego to get in the way. And besides, I need blogfodder. So I am going to respond to each of the NYT’s 27 ways to be a “Modern Man” with my opinion on the matter. And yes, I realize that it’s all tongue-in-cheek. Do you?

1. When the modern man buys shoes for his spouse, he doesn’t have to ask her sister for the size. And he knows which brands run big or small.
I would rather pick out my own shoes. Unless it’s a pair that I’ve gushing over so he knows I want them, I don’t want him to buy shoes for me but, yeah, he should know my size. (but it’s not a big deal if he doesn’t) I wouldn’t expect him to know which brands run big or small. I don’t even know that for most brands.

2. The modern man never lets other people know when his confidence has sunk. He acts as if everything is going swimmingly until it is.
Hmmm… this sounds a lot like old-fashioned man or “real man” so apparently not much has changed. This actually seems like good advice for everyone.

3. The modern man is considerate. At the movie theater, he won’t munch down a mouthful of popcorn during a quiet moment. He waits for some ruckus.
Oh, if only everyone would be considerate! I don’t think the popcorn munching matters all that much since the sound in most movie theaters is ridiculously loud so we can hear over all the rude people talking.

4. The modern man doesn’t cut the fatty or charred bits off his fillet. Every bite of steak is a privilege, and it all goes down the hatch.
Oh good grief! You have to eat the gross bits to be a “modern man”? Is throwing up because it made you gag manly? No. Just no. Eat what you like. Leave what you don’t. It’s not in any way connected with either manliness or modernity.

5. The modern man won’t blow 10 minutes of his life looking for the best parking spot. He finds a reasonable one and puts his car between the lines.
Another rule that I wish everyone would follow. Quit driving around getting in everyone’s way and just park already!

6. Before the modern man heads off to bed, he makes sure his spouse’s phone and his kids’ electronic devices are charging for the night.
No! Everyone is responsible for their own devices. Especially the kids.

7. The modern man buys only regular colas, like Coke or Dr Pepper. If you walk into his house looking for a Mountain Dew, he’ll show you the door.
This is just silly. Again, what you drink is in no way connected to either manliness or modernity. Well, possibly to modernity but who the hell cares?

8. The modern man uses the proper names for things. For example, he’ll say “helicopter,” not “chopper” like some gauche simpleton.
I wish everyone would do this but it’s certainly not a modern thing. Modern men, women, and kids avoid extra syllables as if each one is a 20 pound weight they would have to carry around.

9. Having a daughter makes the modern man more of a complete person. He learns new stuff every day.
Eh, maybe. I know you certainly learn a lot from having kids.

10. The modern man makes sure the dishes on the rack have dried completely before putting them away.
What? The modern man doesn’t have a dishwasher?

11. The modern man has never “pinned” a tweet, and he never will.
This sounds more like an “old fart” than a “modern man”.

12. The modern man checks the status of his Irish Spring bar before jumping in for a wash. Too small, it gets swapped out.
Nah. Use it down to the last sliver. Most men I know would agree. Always do whatever you can to save every 10th of a cent. (Unless you’re buying power tools, then money is no object.)

13. The modern man listens to Wu-Tang at least once a week.
Wu who?

14. The modern man still jots down his grocery list on a piece of scratch paper. The market is no place for his face to be buried in the phone.
This is another one that seems more “old fart” than “modern man”.

15. The modern man has hardwood flooring. His children can detect his mood from the stamp of his Kenneth Cole oxfords.
I’m not sure what to say about this one. I don’t know what flooring or a brand of shoe has to do with manhood. I would assume that his wife picked out the flooring.

16. The modern man lies on the side of the bed closer to the door. If an intruder gets in, he will try to fight him off, so that his wife has a chance to get away.
Perhaps he’s been watching a lot of action movies?

17. Does the modern man have a melon baller? What do you think? How else would the cantaloupe, watermelon and honeydew he serves be so uniformly shaped?
Oh, are melon ballers a manly thing? Perhaps that’s why I don’t have one.

18. The modern man has thought seriously about buying a shoehorn.
Seems like kind of an old-fashioned thing but if you need one, sure, why not?

19. The modern man buys fresh flowers more to surprise his wife than to say he is sorry.
This is good. Personally, although I do like getting flowers, I would prefer living flowers, growing in a pot, or something else that will last more than a few days.

20. On occasion, the modern man is the little spoon. Some nights, when he is feeling down or vulnerable, he needs an emotional and physical shield.
Sure, why not?

21. The modern man doesn’t scold his daughter when she sneezes while eating an apple doughnut, even if the pieces fly everywhere.
But a good father reminds her to cover her nose and mouth when she sneezes.

22. The modern man still ambles half-naked down his driveway each morning to scoop up a crisp newspaper.
If you still get an old-fashioned dead tree newspaper delivered, when you go out to pick it up, please, for Heaven’s sake, at least put on a robe!

23. The modern man has all of Michael Mann’s films on Blu-ray (or whatever the highest quality thing is at the time).
Sure, if that’s what he likes. If not, he has someone else’s films on Blu-ray (or whatever)

24. The modern man doesn’t get hung up on his phone’s battery percentage. If it needs to run flat, so be it.
Nope. Keep that thing charged up.

25. The modern man has no use for a gun. He doesn’t own one, and he never will.
Oooo, this is a touchy one. I’m thinking this depend on what part of the country you’re in. Out here in Oklahoma the general opinion is that a “real man” owns several guns. But, in fact, if your manhood is dependent on a manufactured object, whether a gun, a power tool, or anything else, you’re really not much of a man.

26. The modern man cries. He cries often.
I’s okay for a man to cry, but often? No, not too often.

27. People aren’t sure if the modern man is a good dancer or not. That is, until the D.J. plays his jam and he goes out there and puts on a clinic.
It’s nice if a man can dance but it’s not a requirement.

UPDATE: Almost forgot to mention this. It seems odd to me that this list did not mention tool use. One of the most basic “man rules” is that a man must, at the very least, know how to operate the five essential tools: hammer, screwdriver, adjustable wrench, WD-40, and duct tape.

They’re Kidding, Right?

The National Hot Dog and Sausage Council says that there is one Proper Way to Eat a Hot Dog. I would like to believe this is tongue-in-cheek but I fear they are serious.

First of all, they tell us that we must use only “plain buns or those with poppy or sesame seeds”. I use whole wheat buns. Is that okay, Your High-and-Mightiness? I haven’t seen any sun dried tomato or basil buns but I would try them. Then they tell us the exact order in which the condiments must go on the hot dog. Sorry, I put the onions on first, then the chili. And I’m right; the Hot Dog Council is wrong. Putting the onions on first keeps them from falling off.

But they’re not done yet. They tell us what kind of dishes to use: paper plates or every day dishes. That makes sense and that’s exactly what I do but I’m wishing I actually had some fine china because I’m feeling rebellious right now and want to eat my hot dogs off of forbidden dishes.

I am a bit grossed out about this next part. They tell us that we should take no more than five bites to eat a hot dog, seven if it’s a foot-long. Seriously?! I just… I can’t even! I hardly know what to say about that. I suppose if you’re a really big guy and you normally take bigger bites than the average person just five bites might be acceptable but normally if I saw someone eating a hot dog like that I would think, “What a pig!” If you’re going to eat something that tasty and bad for you slow down and enjoy it.

Finally, there are notes on what to drink and what to do after the meal. You know… this is an example of one of the biggest things that is wrong with the world today: rules. Now personally, I like rules. We need rules. But we don’t need rules for everything and the fact that there are so many lists of rules for every aspect of our lives causes people to just give up and decide that it’s a good thing to break all the rules, even the good ones that we need. Want anarchy? Just start making rules for everything.

Thoughts and Catchphrases and Such

A few days ago on Facebook I suggested that people who are getting way too worked up about certain issues should “just go kiss some puppies”. That slightly odd phrase had just popped into my head somehow and I didn’t give it even a second’s thought. But later it occurred to me that it’s actually a pretty good silly catchphrase. You know what I mean? Chill out; get over it; get a grip; take a chill pill; get a hobby; go kiss some puppies.

I’d love to see it catch on but I know it won’t because I’m me, not a famous Hollywood script writer but I’m going to use it whenever it seems appropriate. It will be my catchphrase and the way the world is now I’m thinking there will be many opportunities to use it.

It also occurs to me that it might be a good “Thought for the Week,” a cute way of telling people to just let go of whatever’s bugging them or a suggestion for a quick stress buster: Go kiss some puppies.

(I need a nice, shareable image to go with that.)

Planet Fangirl

I think I might be a David Attenborough fangirl. Don’t worry, we’re a little less screamy than your typical fangirl.

“I’m First!” – “No, I’m First!”

The world’s first head transplant will be performed within the next 2 years. Or it has already been performed this past February. Oh, what to believe?! The answer, as always… Snopes. The “news” story at the second link is a hoax. No head transplants have been done yet. Darn. I kinda wanted to believe, especially since they said it was successful.

It seems Paul Horner is a name that has appeared in a number of unrelated hoaxes. My sympathy to any real Paul Horners there might be out there. You know there must be a few.

All-Natural Chemicals

I have nothing better to post this morning so let’s pick on the Food Babe. I saw this thing on Facebook, quoting her saying that she would not eat anything that an 8-year-old could not pronounce. So, I’m just wondering how many of these words the average 8-year-old can pronounce and whether or not Ms. Hari eats bananas. Or anything else. Well… she must eat something since she’s still alive.

Yes, It Is Time For New Eyeglasses

My bottle of Diet Dr. Pepper has an ad on the label for Avengers: Age of Ultron. When I first looked at it I could have sworn it said “Ass of Ultron”. After taking off my glasses, holding the bottle closer, and squinting and staring at it for a few seconds I was able to make out that the word is actually “Age”. It seems to me though, that Ass of Ultron has possibilities as a movie. “Age of” is so overused.

It just so happens that I did already have an eye Dr. appointment scheduled.

Oklahoma’s Seasons

We have more than just 4 seasons here in Oklahoma. I saw this on Facebook and it is absolutely correct.

The seasons in Oklahoma

Winter
Spring
Winter
Really COLD Winter
Spring
Tornado Season 1
Winter’s back!
Spring
Tornado Season 2
Summer
Really HOT Summer
Dear Lord, what did we do to deserve to burn?
Fall
Just kidding, still summer
Tornado season 3
Fall
Winter
Tornado Season 4
Christmas