I found this NYT list of 27 Ways To Be a Modern Man on Mike Rowe’s Facebook page. Mike responds with ways to be a man’s man. Man’s man? Well, I suppose that’s what men like to see in other men? So obviously I disagree with many of his points.
You might think that, being a woman, I wouldn’t know anything about being a man. Well, maybe not everything but I think viewing manhood from the outside gives me a better perspective. I have no male ego to get in the way. And besides, I need blogfodder. So I am going to respond to each of the NYT’s 27 ways to be a “Modern Man” with my opinion on the matter. And yes, I realize that it’s all tongue-in-cheek. Do you?
1. When the modern man buys shoes for his spouse, he doesn’t have to ask her sister for the size. And he knows which brands run big or small.
I would rather pick out my own shoes. Unless it’s a pair that I’ve gushing over so he knows I want them, I don’t want him to buy shoes for me but, yeah, he should know my size. (but it’s not a big deal if he doesn’t) I wouldn’t expect him to know which brands run big or small. I don’t even know that for most brands.
2. The modern man never lets other people know when his confidence has sunk. He acts as if everything is going swimmingly until it is.
Hmmm… this sounds a lot like old-fashioned man or “real man” so apparently not much has changed. This actually seems like good advice for everyone.
3. The modern man is considerate. At the movie theater, he won’t munch down a mouthful of popcorn during a quiet moment. He waits for some ruckus.
Oh, if only everyone would be considerate! I don’t think the popcorn munching matters all that much since the sound in most movie theaters is ridiculously loud so we can hear over all the rude people talking.
4. The modern man doesn’t cut the fatty or charred bits off his fillet. Every bite of steak is a privilege, and it all goes down the hatch.
Oh good grief! You have to eat the gross bits to be a “modern man”? Is throwing up because it made you gag manly? No. Just no. Eat what you like. Leave what you don’t. It’s not in any way connected with either manliness or modernity.
5. The modern man won’t blow 10 minutes of his life looking for the best parking spot. He finds a reasonable one and puts his car between the lines.
Another rule that I wish everyone would follow. Quit driving around getting in everyone’s way and just park already!
6. Before the modern man heads off to bed, he makes sure his spouse’s phone and his kids’ electronic devices are charging for the night.
No! Everyone is responsible for their own devices. Especially the kids.
7. The modern man buys only regular colas, like Coke or Dr Pepper. If you walk into his house looking for a Mountain Dew, he’ll show you the door.
This is just silly. Again, what you drink is in no way connected to either manliness or modernity. Well, possibly to modernity but who the hell cares?
8. The modern man uses the proper names for things. For example, he’ll say “helicopter,” not “chopper” like some gauche simpleton.
I wish everyone would do this but it’s certainly not a modern thing. Modern men, women, and kids avoid extra syllables as if each one is a 20 pound weight they would have to carry around.
9. Having a daughter makes the modern man more of a complete person. He learns new stuff every day.
Eh, maybe. I know you certainly learn a lot from having kids.
10. The modern man makes sure the dishes on the rack have dried completely before putting them away.
What? The modern man doesn’t have a dishwasher?
11. The modern man has never “pinned” a tweet, and he never will.
This sounds more like an “old fart” than a “modern man”.
12. The modern man checks the status of his Irish Spring bar before jumping in for a wash. Too small, it gets swapped out.
Nah. Use it down to the last sliver. Most men I know would agree. Always do whatever you can to save every 10th of a cent. (Unless you’re buying power tools, then money is no object.)
13. The modern man listens to Wu-Tang at least once a week.
14. The modern man still jots down his grocery list on a piece of scratch paper. The market is no place for his face to be buried in the phone.
This is another one that seems more “old fart” than “modern man”.
15. The modern man has hardwood flooring. His children can detect his mood from the stamp of his Kenneth Cole oxfords.
I’m not sure what to say about this one. I don’t know what flooring or a brand of shoe has to do with manhood. I would assume that his wife picked out the flooring.
16. The modern man lies on the side of the bed closer to the door. If an intruder gets in, he will try to fight him off, so that his wife has a chance to get away.
Perhaps he’s been watching a lot of action movies?
17. Does the modern man have a melon baller? What do you think? How else would the cantaloupe, watermelon and honeydew he serves be so uniformly shaped?
Oh, are melon ballers a manly thing? Perhaps that’s why I don’t have one.
18. The modern man has thought seriously about buying a shoehorn.
Seems like kind of an old-fashioned thing but if you need one, sure, why not?
19. The modern man buys fresh flowers more to surprise his wife than to say he is sorry.
This is good. Personally, although I do like getting flowers, I would prefer living flowers, growing in a pot, or something else that will last more than a few days.
20. On occasion, the modern man is the little spoon. Some nights, when he is feeling down or vulnerable, he needs an emotional and physical shield.
Sure, why not?
21. The modern man doesn’t scold his daughter when she sneezes while eating an apple doughnut, even if the pieces fly everywhere.
But a good father reminds her to cover her nose and mouth when she sneezes.
22. The modern man still ambles half-naked down his driveway each morning to scoop up a crisp newspaper.
If you still get an old-fashioned dead tree newspaper delivered, when you go out to pick it up, please, for Heaven’s sake, at least put on a robe!
23. The modern man has all of Michael Mann’s films on Blu-ray (or whatever the highest quality thing is at the time).
Sure, if that’s what he likes. If not, he has someone else’s films on Blu-ray (or whatever)
24. The modern man doesn’t get hung up on his phone’s battery percentage. If it needs to run flat, so be it.
Nope. Keep that thing charged up.
25. The modern man has no use for a gun. He doesn’t own one, and he never will.
Oooo, this is a touchy one. I’m thinking this depend on what part of the country you’re in. Out here in Oklahoma the general opinion is that a “real man” owns several guns. But, in fact, if your manhood is dependent on a manufactured object, whether a gun, a power tool, or anything else, you’re really not much of a man.
26. The modern man cries. He cries often.
I’s okay for a man to cry, but often? No, not too often.
27. People aren’t sure if the modern man is a good dancer or not. That is, until the D.J. plays his jam and he goes out there and puts on a clinic.
It’s nice if a man can dance but it’s not a requirement.
UPDATE: Almost forgot to mention this. It seems odd to me that this list did not mention tool use. One of the most basic “man rules” is that a man must, at the very least, know how to operate the five essential tools: hammer, screwdriver, adjustable wrench, WD-40, and duct tape.