Here’s a long, long list of used book store phone calls, conversations, and emails. I promise you, you will say “OMG!” (or its long form equivalent) several times. Here are just a few that I must respond to.

A very nice, well-appointed lady spends about an hour browsing the stock, including the locked cases. After building a rather formidable stack of unrelated books worth over $3,500 (including some very scare Mark Twain first editions), I couldn’t resist asking:

What do you collect?

Oh nothing, but I will purchase these.

(My curiosity getting the better of me) A gift?

No. I am going to use them to decorate my daughter’s bathroom.

(Silly me! I failed to notice that the books were all various shades of green. This is a good thing, since the books will soon be color-coordinated with the mold).

Let me help you carry these out to your car.

If I was the bookstore owner I wouldn’t sell them to her and I would tell her exactly why. I know it’s a big sale but… grrrrr….

phone call…

I have a bunch of old books I want to sell on e-bay. Can you tell me what they are worth?

Why would I want to do that?

My friend said to call you and that you know a lot about books.

You are missing my point. Why should I waste my time helping you?

So I can know what reserve to put on my books.

I charge for appraisals.

Well this isn’t an appraisal. I just want to know what they are worth.

Sorry, you will have to call someone else. Good luck!

I would advise that person to buy a dictionary. I might even give him a cheap one with the word “appraisal” bookmarked and underlined.

phone call…

Your yellow page ad says you buy autographs.

Yes we do. What do you have?

Some photos of Madonna, wanna buy them?

How are they signed?

What do you mean?

What do the signatures say?

They’re not signed. Wanna buy them?

Someone else who needs a dictionary.

(Two women discussing Toni Morrison’s “Paradise”)

Have you read it yet?

Well, I’m reading it now, but I only read it five pages at a time.

Why’s that?

Well, I don’t want to buy it, so I have to keep going back to Barnes & Nobel to read it.

Has this woman never heard of libraries?

Woman mid-thirties, pondering a purchase)

I have never read a book this long. It would really have to be good for me to read this one (149 pps.).

Perhaps she’s still trying to get all the way through The Little Engine That Could.

(grown-up, looks around)

Do you have any real books?

Yes.

Well, not like the ones you have here. You know, real books!

I’m not sure what you mean.

You know, books that are real.

Sorry, none of our books are real!

Huh?

(family walking by the shop)

Dad, look a bookstore! Let’s take a look.

Why? It’s just books.

Come on. It will just take a minute.

Let’s get some ice cream instead.

That’s not just sad, it’s tragic. I hope that poor kid’s mind survives that kind of parenting.

Have you read all these books?

Of course! I never sell a book without reading it first.

(Real long pause)

When do you watch TV?

Well, it is possible to do both but watching TV is not exactly a necessity on the same level as eating and sleeping.

And just one more…

(Customer fills out search card: 16 Chapels)

(me) Oh, you’re after books on European Churches?

No, just books about the 16 Chapels.

16 Chapels?

Yea, you know the one with the big painting on the ceiling.
We will let you know what we find (once we stop convulsing).

There are many, many more, including a list of search engine queries.